Selling your soul. A cause of depression?

I watched a YouTube broadcast recently by a woman called Erica who claimed that we are all born with our own special gifts. I liked the sound of that. It might be true.

I know that I’ve always believed that I was born to write. It’s a passion that’s fuelled me since I was in primary school. And when I look back, my life is a series of stories, charting my pursuit of that passion. I’m still chasing it.

Yet that’s where the fun is. Doing what I love, even when it’s not commercially successful, is where the joy is. Being creative, putting words on paper and sharing them seems to resonate with the frequency of my soul. That’s what happiness feels like.

Yet it hasn’t always been like that. And I know that following your dreams, pursuing your passions doesn’t always seem practical. Especially when we have those never ending bills to pay. But not doing it is dangerous. Trust me, I know.

I made a lot of hasty choices when I was younger. One of them was not listening to my soul. I had an excuse; I was in my late teens and early twenties – what did I know? - but nonetheless, those decisions led me down paths that probably weren’t meant for me to walk.

The result was a wasted decade of frustration, anger, bitterness and deep, deep sadness. I wasn’t unhappy, I was sad. There is a difference. Sadness felt like a damp, festering, rotten ache in the middle of my heart. It sucked the joy out of every occasion. It was where the seed of depression took root and began to grow.

Selling my soul for a salary

Instead of concentrating on being a writer, I stepped into the corporate world and swapped my dreams for money. I took jobs that I had no connection with; jobs that left me unmoved and dry; sacrificing my soul task for cold, hard cash.

I’d go to those jobs feeling empty and twisted. There’d be a dull ache in the pit of my stomach that would swell during the hours behind my desk, squeezing inside me like a cramp. The sadness was a physical pain.

Now, I understand its message. STOP! My soul was telling me that I was walking the wrong way, doing things I wasn’t meant to be doing. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t KNOW to listen. I didn’t know what the message was. I simply cracked on with the task of pretending to be somebody I wasn’t; trying to build a career and a life that I wasn’t meant to live.

I failed. The jobs didn’t work out. I bounced from company to company, chasing salaries and job titles that meant absolutely nothing to me, working for corporations that left me totally unmoved. Eventually, my career fizzled away to nothing.

It wasn’t until I was thirty, with no money to my name and a professional life that had backed me into a cul-de-sac, that I risked it all to become a writer. Not of books, that came later, but as an advertising copywriter. Wow, the difference was immediate.

A job pays the bills. Soul work feeds your heart

Almost from day one, I was energised. Despite having very little experience, I knew no boundaries. I knocked on people’s doors, pushed myself forward and landed roles I’d previously only dreamed about. Paying more money than I’d earned before.

It wasn’t about the money though. It was all about how that work made me feel. It wasn’t work. It was fun. Being creative and writing each day seemed to resonate with my soul. The sadness lifted, the ache left my stomach, and my anger at the world receded. I remember times when I was blissfully happy and how I would stop myself and look around, suspicious: wondering whether it was okay to think and feel like that.

It was. It is! Because when you’re lucky enough to recognise your gifts and talents and then wise enough to match them with a vocation, your soul rewards you with happiness. You don’t need stacks of money either. Money isn’t the driver. Doing what you love in a way you love doing it pays you in a level of contentment that no amount of cash can ever buy.

Follow your soul, not society's convention

So, if you’re currently walking a path that makes you unhappy, uncomfortable or unsettled at work, ask yourself if what you’re doing feels like what you’re supposed to be doing. If not, find a way to do what makes you happy. This could mean volunteering during your free time. Or retraining. I’m certainly not suggesting you quit your job and risk everything. Trust me, that rarely works!

But you do need to find a way to make the change. For me, navigating the wrong path for so long took its toll. Yes, I found a different, happier path but by then the sadness had manifested into something much deeper, darker and stronger that would raise its head later.

Society tells us that we have to chase success. We have to pursue money, acquire possessions, earn status and become important. But that’s a lie. Listen to your soul and you’ll find that the only task any of us has is to find happiness. And to do that, we have to do the things that make us happy. That’s true success!